A Crisis of Faith
2020 was the year that tested every faith in the world. I would love to say I came out of it with my faith in tack. I actually had a huge crisis of faith just before Christmas. No, that’s not true it felt like it was coming for a while. Christmas is my favorite season but, for whatever reason, I couldn’t get into it. I didn’t want to celebrate. Things weren’t going well.
I could easily say this was my depression but it felt so much more than that. I needed something in particular and after having a long talk with God I felt good about coming up with a plan to make it happen. That night I received an email that appeared to be God’s answer to my prayer. So I filled everything out and waited. I had so much hope, even when everyone said not to get my hopes up, it was a long shot. It was a long shot but I felt as though God put that in my path to help me achieve what I needed.
The day came for the selection process and I didn’t get selected. That morning, when the email came letting us know who got selected I ended up in the shower in tears. I didn’t want the family to see how upset this made me. I knew they would say they had told me it was a long shot. So, I had a good cry and then got angry. I got angry at myself for not being more practical about it all. Knowing it was a long shot I should have prepared myself better. I also got angry at God. I felt like how could he give me such hope.
Was he laughing at me because my hope had been crushed so thoroughly? Was I just not worthy of his help? Was he just tired of me? I could tell you a million different questions along those lines. I told myself that maybe I needed to take a break from my faith but every time I attempted to have that train of thought I felt a pressure in my chest. I’m gonna be honest and say the way life was going at this particular time in my life, it was probably a heart attack.
I felt as though I was just done. I mean DONE! What the point of hope, prayer, and faith if all I got was disappointment and hurt. Where do I go from here? I had been working so hard at building a better relationship with God. Of attempting to do more and be more. I was preparing to work out a plan with his help and achieve my goals.
I could still figure out a plan but why would he put that particular solution in my path only to take it away? I needed answers that I wasn’t getting. My heart and soul felt fracture and broken. Honestly, they still feel a bit broken.
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Having a crisis of faith after 2020 is most likely something many have or are going through. There were so many questions, so many doubts, and many of them are still unanswered. I don’t know where I go from here but I do know I have to stay on the road that I have laid out for myself.
HAVE YOU HAD A CRISIS OF FAITH? HOW DID YOU OVERCOME IT? WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN IT SEEMS AS THOUGH GOD HAS FAILED YOU? SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS WITH US IN THE COMMENTS PLEASE.
Thank you for sharing this. I know I have doubts at times and go thru what you described. But I’m often reminded that just because didn’t answer positively this time doesn’t mean He won’t when He is ready for you to have it. Sometimes I have to be content where I am, trusting God with my needs and wants, before He answers. And when He does answer its always in a much better way than what I had planned. Always. Gods ways are not our ways, His ways are so much more a blessing to us.
You are so welcome. Faith, for me, is hard at times. My father used to say I struggled with it because God gave me the inability to not realize I didn’t need to know the answer. He said why, how, and show me were my favorite words. That if I just learned to let go a little and trust God would answer all of my questions. The funny thing is I struggle with my faith but others don’t see me as someone who struggles. My sister in-law told me once that they were watching a movie and when the person got up to argue why there was a God all she could think of was me. She told my brother, that I should have made that argument because I would have the whole room convinced in a matter of minutes. That I would have a sound argument for any doubt they had. Personally I think God would love to just jerk the wheel out of my hands sometimes and drive for awhile.