2020 was the year that tested every faith in the world. I would love to say I came out of it with my faith in tack. I actually had a huge crisis of faith just before Christmas. No, that’s not true it felt like it was coming for a while. Christmas is my favorite season but, for whatever reason, I couldn’t get into it. I didn’t want to celebrate. Things weren’t going well.
I could easily say this was my depression but it felt so much more than that. I needed something in particular and after having a long talk with God I felt good about coming up with a plan to make it happen. That night I received an email that appeared to be God’s answer to my prayer. So I filled everything out and waited. I had so much hope, even when everyone said not to get my hopes up, it was a long shot. It was a long shot but I felt as though God put that in my path to help me achieve what I needed.
The day came for the selection process and I didn’t get selected. That morning, when the email came letting us know who got selected I ended up in the shower in tears. I didn’t want the family to see how upset this made me. I knew they would say they had told me it was a long shot. So, I had a good cry and then got angry. I got angry at myself for not being more practical about it all. Knowing it was a long shot I should have prepared myself better. I also got angry at God. I felt like how could he give me such hope.
Was he laughing at me because my hope had been crushed so thoroughly? Was I just not worthy of his help? Was he just tired of me? I could tell you a million different questions along those lines. I told myself that maybe I needed to take a break from my faith but every time I attempted to have that train of thought I felt a pressure in my chest. I’m gonna be honest and say the way life was going at this particular time in my life, it was probably a heart attack.
I felt as though I was just done. I mean DONE! What the point of hope, prayer, and faith if all I got was disappointment and hurt. Where do I go from here? I had been working so hard at building a better relationship with God. Of attempting to do more and be more. I was preparing to work out a plan with his help and achieve my goals.
I could still figure out a plan but why would he put that particular solution in my path only to take it away? I needed answers that I wasn’t getting. My heart and soul felt fracture and broken. Honestly, they still feel a bit broken.
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Having a crisis of faith after 2020 is most likely something many have or are going through. There were so many questions, so many doubts, and many of them are still unanswered. I don’t know where I go from here but I do know I have to stay on the road that I have laid out for myself.
HAVE YOU HAD A CRISIS OF FAITH? HOW DID YOU OVERCOME IT? WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN IT SEEMS AS THOUGH GOD HAS FAILED YOU? SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS WITH US IN THE COMMENTS PLEASE.