Forgiving the Unforgivable

There comes a point in every person’s life when they must forgive the unforgivable. That one thing or things that are so far beyond their limit. I know I had a moment such as that. Truthfully, I had several moments such as that in my life. I’ve been thinking about it because my sister is int he middle of a divorce and lets just say that I may need alimony after this marriage is dissolved. If I haven’t told y’all before my sister and her soon to be ex are two people who never should have married. They are like fire and gasoline.

They don’t work well together in any situation. She is finding out things about her ex that she wishes she didn’t. Things beyond the beatings he gave her. Such as he had her settlement money put into a bank account he alone knew about and controlled. That is just one minor example. The reason I brought it up was because she called me before dawn to rant and rave about this. I told her she needed to calm down and let it go.

If she could have reached through the phone and strangled me I’m sure she would have. I completely understand why she went off the deep end about it. I would be peeved too. However, what good is it going to do? Her screaming and yelling will not help her case. In fact, it could hurt her. I told to just gather her evidence and show it to the judge when they go to court. That is truly all she can do. I told her she would have to forgive him all of it.

Forgiveness doesn’t excuse their actions. Forgiveness stops their actions from destroying your heart.

She told me I was crazy. The thing is, she has to forgive him for her, not for him. He doesn’t deserve it, but not giving him the forgiveness will keep her trapped within her marriage and his abuse for years. Forgiving him frees her to move on. It’s a way of saying he no longer controls her life. I told her once the best revenge she could ever have on him was to go out and live a better life than the one he gave her during their marriage. Not offering him forgiveness will keep her bound to him. I told her if I was her, at their divorce hearing, once it was all over, I would tell him I forgive him for everything and hope he has the life God intends him to have. She had another one of those sighs that said was contemplating smacking me. I believe that she should. I would say that to him, then walk out of that courtroom with my head held high, knowing I did the right thing.

To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.

C.S. Lewis

That quote helped me find forgiveness in my heart towards my ex. I was so angry and lost when it was all said and done. I couldn’t believe the things I had allowed to go on, nor the things he did. I felt like a failure and a laughingstock all rolled into one. I wasn’t, but that was how I felt. Then I saw that quote one day. In my priest’s office, of all places. He saw me looking and said that the look on my face was why it kept it there. It sums so much of the bible up nicely, doesn’t? He was right; it does. How many times throughout the bible are we taught about forgiveness?

That afternoon I prayed and start my journey of forgiving him. It wasn’t a simple journey. I had to take a stark look at my own actions. The ways I may have let him down in the marriage. Not that I was sitting around taking full blame. I took my vows seriously. I meant them when I said to love, honor, and cherish above all others. That there would be no one else. There never was, not for me. Not a single time during the marriage. That didn’t mean I was with no fault. I could have done things differently, maybe even expected more out of him. Who knows? I went through all the would of, should of, could of out there. I called my ex one day and told him I forgive him. That I hoped he forgave me my faults and errors in the marriage. I realize that we each did what we felt was right. Whether that was for us as a couple or just ourselves was something we each had to live with.

I would love to say it worked wonders and we have the best relationship. It didn’t. He showed his true colors, telling me how no one will ever want me. One thing about an abuser (verbal, emotional, or physical) they will always be an abuser. It didn’t matter though, because had lifted the burden of anger off my soul. I was free because of it and could move on with my life. I have done that, well I might add. It’s not a perfect life and I struggle but I am happier with myself than I have been in years.

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  1. Ooh forgiveness is so hard. I was abused as a child and I harbored a lot of hatred for my abuser for years. He passed away some years ago, so I try not to think about him, but it’s hard to forget.

    1. I know that forgiving an abuser is not an easy task. Telling my ex I forgave him was one of the hardest things I ever did. Of course he didn’t think he had anything that needed my forgiveness. That’s okay. I didn’t say that for him. I said it for me. I can say that within my heart and soul I gave him and myself the forgiveness I needed to give. I won’t ever forget.

  2. It’s not always easy I’ve been in the same boat you may not forget but you have to forgive to move on and get passed all the bad learn grown and start fresh

    1. I will certainly never forget but you’re correct Bryan we have to forgive. I think had I not forgiven I would be stuck in the same angry, bitter place. Just sort of stuck there.

    1. It is the key but not always the easiest thing to do. We tend to hold onto our hurt and anger that it consumes us to the point of being damaging.

  3. Forgiving is hard but always the best thing to do. It allows you to move on and focus on more positive things in your life!

    1. It is hard but I have found that when we don’t forgive (even if it’s just within our own hearts) we carry the weight around with us. It pulls us down, makes us bitter until there is a darkness within that we can seem to find our way out of.

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