Unanswered Prayers

It’s funny how we sometimes pray for something. Doesn’t matter if it’s good for us, we just need it at that moment in time. I spent an enormous chunk of time near the end of my marriage just praying for things to get better. For me to wake up and everything magically be fixed. That the cheating would stop and he would realize how much he loved me. How much I was more than enough for him.

Every morning I woke up I prayed for that and every night before I went to bed. I spent hours in the church on my knees begging for God’s help. Help he gave me, but not that I saw or understood. When the marriage finally ended I was so angry that things weren’t the way I thought they should be. How could God turn away from me in my hour of need like that? What did I do that was so wrong?

What I have learned in the years since then is how much of a blessing God gave me. I have learned that I don’t have to live with the abuse or the fear of upsetting a man who refused to even attempt to be faithful. A man that stood before God and promised to love, honor, and cherish me only to be lying the entire time. We weren’t married six months the first time he cheated. Well, I should say the first time I know he cheated. There may have been other times.

I remember wondering what I did wrong. My ex was my first, so maybe it was my fault things weren’t going well. Maybe I was an issue in the bedroom. So I set out to make myself better. I lost weight to the point of being sick. I dyed my hair, wore the clothes he told me to wear. Didn’t come out of the house whenever he had friends over. That would make him angry. Answered the phone the moment he called when he was at work. Had dinner on the table when called to say he was on his way. I worried myself to the point my hair fell out. If I missed a call from him, and I called him back he wouldn’t answer. I would cry and beg and plead. 

Once I saw him with another woman in the truck with him. He called me crazy and convinced me I was mistaken. I apologized to him! I’m ashamed to say. That is the way it was always. For the first year or two after we separated, he would come back whenever he felt like it. He called, and I jumped. So when things were finally over, I was crushed.

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.

Romans 8:26 ESV

I blamed God for a long time, even though it wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t my fault either, yet I couldn’t convince myself of that for years. I ranted and raved at God. I didn’t understand that he was answering my prayer. He was just doing it in a way that was best for me. A way that would make me whole once I stopped listening with my head and began listening with my heart and soul.

Now, years later, I am more than happy with the road my marriage took. It was difficult and uncertain at the best of times. However, I learned so much from it. I learned my strengths and weaknesses.I learned I am more than what one person thinks I am; I am more than a couple, and I mean more than I know to God. I have rediscovered my relationship with God and building my life the way it is meant to be.


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  1. Thank you for your honesty and openness. That can’t be easy to share and must’ve taken you lots of time to get to where you could tell others.

    Sounds like you’re on a better path! God is good (even when we’re mad at him)!

    1. It wasn’t easy to share but something I felt I needed to. It did take me a long time to finally get beyond what happened. I could not be happier with the path I am on now.

  2. I too have been through divorce. It was not the answer I wanted either, but it was for the best. Took me awhile to realize that. I too have grown closer to God since then and am thankful for the journey, though there have been some rough days for sure. I embrace being a divorced mom raising my daughter on my own with God’s help.

    1. It was so hard for me at first. I was so angry and felt like such a failure. Now, I think I’m rocking divorce. Once I was a shamed to even say I was divorce now when people ask I tell them and feel no shame. I did everything I could to save a marriage that only I believed in. I know in my heart that I gave it my all and while my religion says divorce is wrong I know that God is okay with what happened. He has led me to a brighter place.

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